To my darling Ryan,
Looking in the mirror I couldn't believe how much my belly was protruding out. I wasn't very wide, actually from the back you wouldn't even know I was pregnant, but standing side on I was amazed that I could stretch so far.
I felt like a wobble doll- you know the ones that have no feet, they are like a ball with a head and wobble from side to side when you push them. Seriously.. I was sooooo one of those.
Your Daddy casually walked past me, with a glance and a smirk he said,
"You are heaps bigger this time!" And continued to walk on.
Hmmm... thanks honey.
It was Monday the 1st of October and my emotions were running wild. A mixture of excitement and anxiety sent my mind spinning... because the next day, you were to be born.
Half of me wanted time to speed up so I could meet you already... and then, the other half wanted time to stand still because I was so afraid.
I had chosen an elective caesarean and no matter how convinced I was that this was the right decision, I was still scared of the risks.
Basically if I lost you, my life would crash and burn... and if I lost my life, Id leave behind 2 beautiful boys and an amzing husband to survive without me.
By morning that fear had somewhat disappeared and I was full of excitement.
The day before I had dropped Joel off at Nannys, so your Dad and I only had to take care of ourselves. Do you think that was an easy task? Well, I have no idea because I cant remember anything until we got to the hospital!
7.30am - waiting in Patient Lounge #1!
8.00am - waiting in Patient Lounge #1!
8.30am... oh some midwives are talking to me. They ask me if I have any requests.
Immediately I remembered your brother's birth. I remember how the anaethetist leant over and said,"Here's the head and the body... beautiful baby boy!" And then... nothing. They took him to do his vitals, cleaned him up and passed him to Daddy five minutes later. That was when I saw him! 5 minutes after he was born. sheesh. I was upset that they didnt show him to me at least for five seconds over the curtain first. So I asked the midwives to make sure that happened this time.
9am - waiting in a small room opposite Patient Lounge #1!
9.30am - waiting in the small room.. oh somethings happening, I'm getting into a hospital gown.
10.30am - we're walking down the corridor to the theatre. My mind was racing.. OMG, its happening right now! I'll see my baby within the hour!
Inside I was jumping for joy and fighting off the feeling of fear, outside I was cautiously walking beside your Daddy tighly clasping his hand.
Entering the theatre, they sat me down to insert the canula.
My inside joy suddenly gave way to the nervous jelly.
Gosh I hate needles.
After that fun, I was walked to the bed... I kept my head down, averting my eyes away from any table that may hold certain "instruments" that would be used... on me! I was seated up on the bed and introduced to the surgeon... a wave of relief swept over me and my nerves only slightly overshadowed my joy, when I realised it was the same Doctor who did my previous c-section. She did a good job... I was confident now that I would be alright.
Hunching over for the spinal block, my inside jelly over-flowed outwards... I started shaking like a leaf.
NOT A GOOD TIME TO BE MOVING, I told myself breathing deeply to calm down.
Half an hour later I was still breathing deep and they were still trying to get the spinal in right. I heard them talking of how it has gone into the right spot fine, but seemed to be moving around!?They layed me down (at about 11.15) and ice cube tested me to see where I was going numb.
From my arm to my torso... the same temperature.
From my arm to my belly... not quite as cold, but I could still feel it.
From my arm to my leg... the same temperature.
This was repeated three times in five minutes with no change.
The anaethetist sympathetically looked at me and said,
"I don't know why it hasn't worked, this has never happened before. You'll have to have a general, I know it's not the best outcome but we can't operate on you like this."
Tears streamed down my face.
And to think I was worried about not seeing you as soon as you were born... now when would I first see you?
Daddy stroked my face as they inserted the catheter (with no anesthetic ), he told me we would be ok.
I could see the sadness in his eyes, but his strength shon through for me. I probably would've fallen to pieces if he wasn't there to comfort me. His love melted my heart enough to relax me, before he was ushered out and I was put under.
No chance for thoughts or prayers or...
"Danielle? Danielle?"I opened my eyes.
"Danielle, how are you feeling?" It was the anesthetist.
"Ummm... I think I had some weird dreams."
She laughed and said to a nurse,"She's fine."
I looked at the clock, 1pm.
"How's my baby?" My first thought.
"He's great," the nurse answered, "He's with your husband in the maternity ward."
I smiled, happy that you had some time alone with him... but all I really wanted to do was hold you myself.
An hour later they finally wheeled me out of recovery and down to you.
As soon as Daddy passed you to me, my inside joy filled up to the top and overflowed.
My sadness for having a GA totally disappeared immediately... we bonded immediately.
It doesn't matter how you got here, as long as you are in my arms now.
Oh how delicious you were. With the sweetest cheeks and the softest teddy bear hair.
I remembered how the day before I felt huge... looking at you then I thought, 'how on earth did you fit in me?'
Half an hour later we had our first family time. Daddy, Mummy, Joel and Ryan (how wonderful does that sound together??) As soon as Joel saw you, he wanted to kiss and cuddle you. The way you looked into each others eyes was nothing short of incredible.
Thankyou for making our family complete
RYAN DAVID
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